Before This Year Ends....

Before This Year Ends...

Before this year ends, there are a few things I want to say, and I would like to start by saying I’m sorry it has taken me all these years to even reach this point of clarity. Things got a little blurry along the way to say the least. I know you felt it, I know you suffered as a result and so, I would like to say, before this year ends, I am truly sorry.

You have always been there for me, but I haven’t for you. I see it so clearly now. I don’t know why I didn’t before, but I see how much the years of separation hurt our relationship. Still you hung in there and for that I am truly thankful. I’m sorry for not listening to your wise wisdom and guidance when you tried to speak to me. You have never ceased trying to guide me, sometimes it has been gently, sometimes it has been screaming in my face, but mostly it has always been gently.

I’m sorry for having sabotaged so much of our precious time together with blurry alcohol filled nights, days in bed trying to make up sleep, avoidance, denial, and endless distractions. You took it all. You never gave up on me, never failed me. I’m sorry for leading the way, as naïve and wrong as my way was for so, so long. I never let you take the lead, because I thought I knew best…but I didn’t.

I’m sorry for the pain you endured as you witnessed my heart break, my guts wrench, and my chest reach bursting point too many times with fear. I’m sorry for having placed you in harms way. I’m sorry for using you and abusing you. I’m sorry you had to listen to my screams. I'm sorry you had to witness the guilt and shame. I’m sorry you had to endure the road I guided you upon with all its painful twists and turns.

You are my only witness upon this earth to it all. You are the only one who has seen everything, experienced everything with me and for that I am truly thankful. You are my only witness to the whole story, and you never gave up on me. You stood by me, fluid as water, bending and flexing, changing, and adapting, but never calling it quits.

I am so glad you have also witnessed my growth because now, from that growth, I see just how strong, supportive, and loving you have always been. I see just how beautiful you are, and I know in my heart that your light has always shone for me, despite my thoughts to the contrary.

I'm sorry for the way I judged you. I'm sorry I took you for granted. I'm sorry I dismissed your needs. I'm sorry I never ever loved you enough.

I am sorry it has taken me so long to understand and value the beautiful partnership that we are.

And so, before this year ends, I would like to thank you, my beautiful, amazing, miraculous body, for everything you have endured and for never giving up on me. My love for you is overflowing, as it always should have been, as it will now always be.